Time for a post, eh?

My primary activities in SL these days are working Troy's DJ shifts, which, of course, I love to bits, and seeing live shows. I managed to catch Zen Revnik last Saturday, and I realized it had been way too long. Rather than a show of only covers, Zen has RL albums and plays his originals in his sets. I love his midwestern twang, perhaps because I have one myself, and his songs are thoughtful, melodic, and sometimes even a bit melancholy (but in a good way). :P He's great. Go see him.

My rl son turns three very soon, and it seems like every day, he is more and more fun to be around. I am not particularly maternal, and I'm not really a 'baby' person. I chose to teach high school (a million years ago, when I had a paying job) as opposed to grade school for a reason. Anyway, this kid is getting pretty damn cool. To top it off, a few days ago, he informed me 'you are the best mommy I've ever seen in the whole world.' Someday, he'll figure me out, the way all kids realize the adults they once thought invincible are actually human, but for now, I rule. :)

My overall writer's block remains intact. My rl blog is languishing, and the poems just aren't coming along. I think the thing that keeps me from blogging here at this point is my growing contempt for most of the residents in SL. Of course, there is tremendous talent: singers, artists, designers, builders, writers, and dj's. It is their impressive commitments of time, effort, and creativity that give SL beauty and value. But I don't find that I'm willing to devote that time in SL to become established in any of those areas. The number of residents who are only interested in sex, having a 'good time,' and acting stupid in local chat seems to far outweigh the number of thoughtful folks who'll carry on a real conversation with you. Maybe I'm just grumpy. It's possible. :P

A friend and I were talking the other day, and he made a good observation...someone will ask him how he's doing, and he'll respond with something about his rl work or activities, and they'll pick up the conversation as if he's talking about stuff in-world. They haven't quite figured out that life outside SL is actually supposed to be more important than what happens after you rez. SL is a wondrous tool for communicating and socializing, but is it really anything else?

Yes, definitely grumpy. ;)

peace, out

Happy Anniversary

Troy and I will celebrate our two month 'partnering' the day before Valentine's Day, and true to the sl/rl conflict, we'll both be offline most of the day.

This song is for you, sweetie. It has reminded me of you for a very long time now. xoxoxox

taking a break

Going to make some changes, and maybe come back again someday.

Because I still don't have a damn thing to say...

...and I am not interested in wasting my time or yours with an entry that serves no purpose, I thought I'd throw one of my favorite poems at you. You've probably either heard or read parts of it before. There are five parts, I'm only including the fifth, my favorite, and the section I always taught to my students. Eliot is THE Modern poet...the sense of loss, of shock, of finding out everything you were expected to trust was completely untrustworthy (via the first world war), it permeates his work. It's painful, sad, obtuse, and beautiful. The combination of nonsense (a misquoted child's nursery rhyme), with the lord's prayer, with the poem...well, the juxtaposition is certainly no accident.

Enjoy.

The Hollow Men, part V, T.S. Eliot

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o’clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
                             For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
                             Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
                             For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

on inspiration and writer's block

Taking a look at Guen's blog, (Crimson Flow), she mentioned another blogger's challenge of writing about what inspires us. Since I'm struggling in that very department, in terms of my writing (whether poetry, lissa's blog, or melissa's blog that I actually DID start yesterday), I thought I would try to write about Inspiration.

First and foremost, my background in literature is the number one source of my inspiration...specifically the English Renaissance and the 20th Century American writers. The thing is, that's pretty damn intimidating. It sometimes stifles your own creativity when you are constantly comparing yourself to the greatest in your genre. Funnily enough, reading some of the other SL bloggers has also been intimidating.

...hmmm, this is coming off as anti-inspiration, but then, that's where I'm at...

Friends and family know I write, so every few years, someone gives me a blank journal as a gift. As you might guess, I've got a half-dozen, half-filled journals. The small notebook I carry in my purse, in case inspiration strikes, is more likely to contain the latest list for the grocery store as it is my latest observation or line of poetry.

BUT...what inspires me...literature, art, music, acts of kindness, the moonrise and a star-filled sky, horseback riding, the way a red-tailed hawk stalks his prey, coyotes yipping in the middle of the night, watching a thunderstorm build to the west and then race my direction, my son, my past, my present, and my future. *sighs* And, yet, I have writer's block? How ironic.

peace

or not

In accordance with the wishes of a very persuasive person *coughs and mutters* 'troy,' I've decided to do both a real blog and keep up with lissa's. However, the posts here will be less often. If I manage one intelligent post a week--on second thought, let me make that two a month---who am I kidding...I'll be doing better than I am now.

Here's hoping for inspiration. :P

Signifying Nothing

I started this blog because I had all these wonderful ideas about witty essays and observations I could make about my time in SL. I started this blog because I'm writing all the time, in my head, and I thought it would induce me to get pen to paper (metaphorically speaking). I started this blog with the best of intentions, hoping to post every other day. hmmm

I'm born and raised in the midwest, the 'heartland,' the 'bible belt,' of the US. Although I share virtually nothing with my fellow citizens in terms of the predominant politics of this region, the landscape is my home. In my bones, I am a part of this place, and sometimes, I really hate that. But, you can fight the inevitable all you want, it's still coming to get you.

One thing I do share with the farmers and ranchers of this prairie is an uncompromising bullshit detector, a true practicality, a sometimes heartless pragmatism. I am always looking for the bottom line, what's left when you scrape away everything that's superfluous, fake, trivial. The heart of the matter is all that concerns me.

That said, I'm phasing out this blog. It's pointless. I am a writer. I think my time and effort should be directed towards something I'd be inclined to share with my (non-SL) friends and family. I blog my poetry with some former co-workers, but I don't have a blog for melissa...I think it's time I did. I should be writing more poetry--I've only managed two poems this month. I should be writing essays about my son, my family, my real life friends (including the ones who've crossed over from SL), my experiences when I'm doing something besides sitting in front of a computer. This blog takes time and effort that seem to be in short supply for me these days, so...

Here's my most recent poem--it's very bad, it shows how out of practice I am. The craft of poetry requires a groove, a familiarity, a consistency of theme and subject matter. This poem shows me floundering, having lost my footing. Here's hoping I get it back.

on obligation and poetry

each morning, she dumps the used coffee grounds
from the previous day's pot, a chore she always
promises herself she'd do the night before.

each morning, she must clean the stained
carafe before she can fill it with water.

each morning, she makes a bit of a mess, cursing
softly, as she rinses the last specks of black down the drain.

each morning, when the automated wonder signals
it's finished, a steaming mug only moments away,
the boy asks 'mommy, what's that noise?'

each morning, she smiles and says, 'mommy's coffee is ready'
to which he replies, with a knowing nod, 'oh, sure.'

shakespeare will tell her the rest is silence,
yeats will tell her the center cannot hold,
hemingway will tell her it's just a dirty trick--

she'll fix herself another cup, sigh,
and wonder, what's next, what's next?

song for the day

Sometimes, you get an old song stuck in your head for no particular reason, and sometimes, you know exactly why. One of my favorite bands, too.

a few new names

My groups show my very favorite musicians in SL, and I'm always maxed out on Groups--but I caught two musicians today I'd never heard before, and I strongly recommend them (even though I can't join their groups!) Steely Decosta was at The Falls and Jase Branner was at Herd Thinner's Pub. Both are very good, and play a nice mix of artists. Have I mentioned the Live Music in SL kicks ass? No? Really? Well, it does. :P

I also saw two of the most well-known and respected SL builders/designers at Jase's show, RH Engel and Rebel Hope. They looked stunning, of course. I'd never seen them in person before.

A good day in SL, and nice to catch a few shows.

peace

and....

....today is Troy and Lissa's One Month "Partnering" Anniversary!! hehe

So, happy anniversary, sweetie!

xoxoxoxoxoxooxox

:))))

birthday musings

warning: pointless philosophical ramblings ahead...but it's my birthday, and I can pontificate if I want to. :P

I've grown tired of the games people play. I've grown tired of the 'woe is me' attitude, and I've grown tired of the silly, little stunts people pull in an effort to make themselves relevant. I purposely stay as 'out of the loop' as possible regarding the hook-ups and break-ups in SL, the backstabbing, the name-calling, and the drama. I see how truly pointless it is and how detrimental it is to one's quality of life, regardless if it's virtual or not. One of my favorite phrases regarding SL is 'don't go borrowing trouble .' Indeed.

Troy and I had a long talk Sunday about leaving SL. We've had the talk before. One of my closest friends just left, and I respect her decision, her reasons, and frankly, I think she's right. I hope her leave of absence 'takes' and she's able to stay away. There must be a 'point of no return,' for many in SL, and after that time, leaving becomes damn near impossible.

But back to Troy and I. I don't know what the future holds for us...if we'll stay or if we'll invest ourselves fully in RL. The point is, we don't need SL. We are above it. It's something we do for fun, but it doesn't define our relationship. He has a RL best friend he met in SL over two years ago, and she rarely logs on, but that doesn't matter; they are still best friends. Their relationship is stronger than and bigger than SL. That's where Troy and I are. I've pushed him away too many times, and he's put me through the wringer a few times as well, but here we are, past all that nonsense, strong as ever. More gratitude from me, and that's something I won't let go of.

peace

song for the day

It's a bright, sunny day, my RL birthday is in a few, with some plans for good times coming up, I've heard from quite a few old RL friends lately, and I feel stronger and stronger.

acoustic AND rob thomas? how could I resist? I originally saw this because the husband of one of my RL best friends posted this to her FB page. God, do I relate. :P

Top Ten Little Annoyances About SL

Just a smart-assed collection of things I've observed more than a few times in my little-over-a year in SL. I'll refrain from the obvious choices of 'lag' 'logins temporarily disabled' or the lovely gas clouds we sometimes materialize as.


10. Residents whose profile messages make pronouncements about being 'drama-free' tend to be the bitchiest, most instigator-ish of all.

9. Residents will go on and on about how they hate SL and are leaving, but few actually follow-through.

8. Residents who do actually leave either pick up an Alt or return to their former avies within a few weeks.

7. Many residents do not know the difference between flirting and looking desperate.

6. Gesture spam (aside from that of staff on-duty at venues) is the SL equivalent of idiots who talk on their cell-phones too loudly in public. No one else gives a damn, and it interferes with real conversation.

5. Residents who wear face lights/lamps bright enough to light up or wash out the avatars standing next to them are complete idiots.

4. Talking fetuses freak me the fuck out.

3. Many Residents try way too hard to look as if they aren't trying at all. One example is when people make statements in Local Chat that the reason they don't talk in Local is they are soooo busy in IM, or they say something about being in IM Hell. Profile messages which state "I don't follow local chat" also fall into this category.

2. The only thing stupider than a talking fetus is equipping your avatar to use the restroom.

And the Number One most annoying thing about SL....

1. Pointless avatar blogs. (erm, hey, that sounds familiar) :p

back into the swing of things

I'm looking forward to that sense of normalcy that follows the holidays, both in SL and RL, since the craziness of the last two weeks. My son had a wonderful christmas...the boy is spoiled! My RL saw an interesting reunion/coming together for the holidays, and it affected me greatly. I'm so pleased my parents can act like adults and not petulant children, putting someone else's wishes ahead of their own. Even at my age, I'm still learning lessons of selflessness from them. I really am blessed.

As usual, Troy was my foundation when the holidays did what they always to do me...stress me the hell out. We missed each other quite a bit with RL obligations, but emails and messenger always keep us in contact when SL time is in short supply. I'm looking forward to listening to some of his rocking sets and hitting a few lives shows soon. ;))

peace

One year draws to a close...

...and another one awaits.

We have memories of the past; we have hope for the future, but we only exist in the HERE and NOW. I find it interesting that we experience time in a linear fashion, even though research into quantum physics suggests that time is no more linear than space. Quantum physics also tells us that all possible outcomes/realities exist, at the quantum level mind you, but I wonder.

Troy will be the first to tell me I spend too much time looking backwards rather than forwards. He's right. I've spent a great deal of emotional energy looking at the choices I've made, the jobs I've quit, the men I've left, the friendships I've neglected, and I get very bogged down in the might-have-beens. It's an exhausting way to live, but I like to think that somewhere out there is a real life Me who didn't make some of the more stellar mistakes I have. Time and again, Troy preaches the sermon of self-forgiveness, encouraging me to start fresh everyday.

Which brings me to the dreaded tradition of January 1. I like to talk about New Year's Resolutions. I don't like to make them. My resolve (notice the word is made up of "re" to do again, and "solve" to figure out...so the term resolution carries an inherent feeling of been there, done that) is generally in short supply. :P

If I were making resolutions this year, they wouldn't be the 'lose weight' or 'save money' variety. I would resolve to be a better friend, in all realities. I would resolve to be a better mom, a more disciplined poet/writer, a kinder person. Maybe I can try to do those things without the pressure and possible failure of a resolution. I like that.

On that note, Happy New Year!!!!

Remember, 'Time is an illusion, lunchtime, doubly so." (with apologies to douglas adams)

peace

the reasons why

There are two questions I have for practically everyone I meet in SL. The first one is 'why did you come to SL in the first place?' and the second one is "why do you keep coming back?' I find the answers to these two questions provide a good insight into how someone 'lives' in SL and how it functions in his or her real life.

My profile message once said something like 'we all come to sl looking for something we don't have in rl or trying to forget something rl won't let us forget.' I took that message down, but I still think it's true. I came to sl because I read an online article about it. I had recently left a very demanding and fulfilling job, found I was having trouble adjusting to the world of the stay-at-home mom, and I wanted a new hobby. I thought it was a computer game. *wipes tears of laughter from her eyes* :P

Yesterday, Troy and I spent the day in Freakheim, first working our shifts, and then hanging around for good tunes and great company. Somehow, we got onto the topic of what brought us all to SL. Many were introduced by a real life friend to SL. (I hope my rl sis forgives me for dragging her in.) A few friends of mine came because they thought they could make money. *wipes her eyes from laughter yet again* Some technophiles and WofW players come to try out the platform and the programming aspects. For many, it's just good, old-fashioned curiosity.

Well, that's the first part...but what about the second question. With older avies especially, I always want to know, why keep coming back? The best answer I ever got was 'stupidity.' That cracked me up. If you've ever had your heart broken, your money stolen, or a friend betray you, you can relate.

We've all seen the profile messages that mention the addictive nature of SL. I think some brains (I'm talking from a biochemical standpoint) actually respond more intensely to the SL experience. Some folks don't 'get it' and some 'get it' too damn well. You know what I mean.

We come for friends, for love, for music, for art, for fantasy, to fill the void, to play. We come because it's a portal to the world. I live in the middle-of-nowhere American plains, and I have friends from across the globe. We come because (and this is the true irony of SL) we crave the human interaction.

I hope you aren't waiting for a point to my rambling because it's not forthcoming. ;))

Oh, and a huge, giant congrats and a hug to Oz and Guen. I adore you both. I hope you can find your way. When two hearts try to make it work, there is no reason for regret.

peace

Ho Ho Ho

Merry Christmas, holly jolly, and all that. :P

An old song, no video, but one of my favorites.

latest poem

(sometimes, it's the littlest things you never had that you miss the most)

Sunset

tonight, just now, I looked out the
window, across a snow-covered field,
to the southwest,

the setting sun casts pale red and orange across the sky,
it’s gorgeous--the type
you write poems about.

I don’t want to write.
I want to tug your arm and point,
saying ‘look at that,’
but I can’t.

you are too far from me

we don’t share glowing horizons, time zones, or
even a continent.

the sunsets we watch together don’t
look anything like the light
streaming through my window, just now,
this moment.

so, I write another poem to you.

gratitude is the lesson I learn--
the gift of you, of us.

in quiet minutes that turn into hours
the colors deepen into night,

a few bright stars appear in my solitude
as the moon leaves your side to follow me

12-19-08

Brand New Day

I've enough unheeded advice to fill a library. I've enough bad decisions to last a lifetime. And I've enough weakness to make most days a struggle, just to make it through.

Then I met someone. Someone who never held my past against me, who willingly shares my present, and who gives me hope and strength for my future. Someone who has seen the ugliest parts of me, found me at my lowest, and spent over a year lifting me up.

I have spent countless attempts justifying and rationalizing my past, and nothing worked until you helped me see things in a different light. Our RL demons follow us to SL, sometimes repaying with interest the things we'd hoped to leave behind. I will never understand what you see in me, but loving you is as effortless as drawing breath, and I am infinitely grateful to share my life with you, in whatever way we can, always.

peace, love, and all that mushy stuff :))

Our Big Day

I met Troy on November 10, 2007. We became engaged on November 17, 2008, and we partnered in SL today. Honestly, it was a day I never thought I'd see, and I couldn't be more happy or grateful that our friendship has continued to grow and change. The positive impact he has made in my RL relationships...well, it would take me hours to explain (not that I won't try in future entries). :P

I'd like to say a special thank you to Rykk, Kaedy, and Norris for helping Troy and I celebrate our special day. Kaedy's design of Freakheim looked amazing, Norris sounded awesome, and Rykk generously provided the venue for us. It was perfect in every way.

I'd also like to thank everyone who stopped by to wish us well. It's as hard to keep in touch in SL as it is in RL sometimes, and it was nice to see a few old friends, and a few new ones as well.

peace and love