One year draws to a close...

...and another one awaits.

We have memories of the past; we have hope for the future, but we only exist in the HERE and NOW. I find it interesting that we experience time in a linear fashion, even though research into quantum physics suggests that time is no more linear than space. Quantum physics also tells us that all possible outcomes/realities exist, at the quantum level mind you, but I wonder.

Troy will be the first to tell me I spend too much time looking backwards rather than forwards. He's right. I've spent a great deal of emotional energy looking at the choices I've made, the jobs I've quit, the men I've left, the friendships I've neglected, and I get very bogged down in the might-have-beens. It's an exhausting way to live, but I like to think that somewhere out there is a real life Me who didn't make some of the more stellar mistakes I have. Time and again, Troy preaches the sermon of self-forgiveness, encouraging me to start fresh everyday.

Which brings me to the dreaded tradition of January 1. I like to talk about New Year's Resolutions. I don't like to make them. My resolve (notice the word is made up of "re" to do again, and "solve" to figure out...so the term resolution carries an inherent feeling of been there, done that) is generally in short supply. :P

If I were making resolutions this year, they wouldn't be the 'lose weight' or 'save money' variety. I would resolve to be a better friend, in all realities. I would resolve to be a better mom, a more disciplined poet/writer, a kinder person. Maybe I can try to do those things without the pressure and possible failure of a resolution. I like that.

On that note, Happy New Year!!!!

Remember, 'Time is an illusion, lunchtime, doubly so." (with apologies to douglas adams)

peace

the reasons why

There are two questions I have for practically everyone I meet in SL. The first one is 'why did you come to SL in the first place?' and the second one is "why do you keep coming back?' I find the answers to these two questions provide a good insight into how someone 'lives' in SL and how it functions in his or her real life.

My profile message once said something like 'we all come to sl looking for something we don't have in rl or trying to forget something rl won't let us forget.' I took that message down, but I still think it's true. I came to sl because I read an online article about it. I had recently left a very demanding and fulfilling job, found I was having trouble adjusting to the world of the stay-at-home mom, and I wanted a new hobby. I thought it was a computer game. *wipes tears of laughter from her eyes* :P

Yesterday, Troy and I spent the day in Freakheim, first working our shifts, and then hanging around for good tunes and great company. Somehow, we got onto the topic of what brought us all to SL. Many were introduced by a real life friend to SL. (I hope my rl sis forgives me for dragging her in.) A few friends of mine came because they thought they could make money. *wipes her eyes from laughter yet again* Some technophiles and WofW players come to try out the platform and the programming aspects. For many, it's just good, old-fashioned curiosity.

Well, that's the first part...but what about the second question. With older avies especially, I always want to know, why keep coming back? The best answer I ever got was 'stupidity.' That cracked me up. If you've ever had your heart broken, your money stolen, or a friend betray you, you can relate.

We've all seen the profile messages that mention the addictive nature of SL. I think some brains (I'm talking from a biochemical standpoint) actually respond more intensely to the SL experience. Some folks don't 'get it' and some 'get it' too damn well. You know what I mean.

We come for friends, for love, for music, for art, for fantasy, to fill the void, to play. We come because it's a portal to the world. I live in the middle-of-nowhere American plains, and I have friends from across the globe. We come because (and this is the true irony of SL) we crave the human interaction.

I hope you aren't waiting for a point to my rambling because it's not forthcoming. ;))

Oh, and a huge, giant congrats and a hug to Oz and Guen. I adore you both. I hope you can find your way. When two hearts try to make it work, there is no reason for regret.

peace

Ho Ho Ho

Merry Christmas, holly jolly, and all that. :P

An old song, no video, but one of my favorites.

latest poem

(sometimes, it's the littlest things you never had that you miss the most)

Sunset

tonight, just now, I looked out the
window, across a snow-covered field,
to the southwest,

the setting sun casts pale red and orange across the sky,
it’s gorgeous--the type
you write poems about.

I don’t want to write.
I want to tug your arm and point,
saying ‘look at that,’
but I can’t.

you are too far from me

we don’t share glowing horizons, time zones, or
even a continent.

the sunsets we watch together don’t
look anything like the light
streaming through my window, just now,
this moment.

so, I write another poem to you.

gratitude is the lesson I learn--
the gift of you, of us.

in quiet minutes that turn into hours
the colors deepen into night,

a few bright stars appear in my solitude
as the moon leaves your side to follow me

12-19-08

Brand New Day

I've enough unheeded advice to fill a library. I've enough bad decisions to last a lifetime. And I've enough weakness to make most days a struggle, just to make it through.

Then I met someone. Someone who never held my past against me, who willingly shares my present, and who gives me hope and strength for my future. Someone who has seen the ugliest parts of me, found me at my lowest, and spent over a year lifting me up.

I have spent countless attempts justifying and rationalizing my past, and nothing worked until you helped me see things in a different light. Our RL demons follow us to SL, sometimes repaying with interest the things we'd hoped to leave behind. I will never understand what you see in me, but loving you is as effortless as drawing breath, and I am infinitely grateful to share my life with you, in whatever way we can, always.

peace, love, and all that mushy stuff :))

Our Big Day

I met Troy on November 10, 2007. We became engaged on November 17, 2008, and we partnered in SL today. Honestly, it was a day I never thought I'd see, and I couldn't be more happy or grateful that our friendship has continued to grow and change. The positive impact he has made in my RL relationships...well, it would take me hours to explain (not that I won't try in future entries). :P

I'd like to say a special thank you to Rykk, Kaedy, and Norris for helping Troy and I celebrate our special day. Kaedy's design of Freakheim looked amazing, Norris sounded awesome, and Rykk generously provided the venue for us. It was perfect in every way.

I'd also like to thank everyone who stopped by to wish us well. It's as hard to keep in touch in SL as it is in RL sometimes, and it was nice to see a few old friends, and a few new ones as well.

peace and love

and so this is christmas...

In my real life, this time of year can be tremendously difficult. The loss of much-loved family members, the divorces of nearly everyone in my family...it's rough. I know it is that way for many of us. In years past, it's just been me wanting to make it through the month. It's not been a time I've looked forward to. This year, things are very different. My son is nearly 3, and he really 'gets' some of the more fun aspects of christmas. Enjoying family get-togethers, putting up the tree, singing the christmas songs (over and over again) hanging the lights on the house, giving and receiving gifts...I'm seeing it all through his eyes, and it's amazing.

The other reason this time of year isn't leaving me with my usual holiday blues is that my best friend (in sl and rl) and I are getting hitched this month. I can easily say that he and I spend more time together (in and out of sl) than I do with any other person, that our friendship has transcended sl and moved to rl, and that his presence in my life I consider one of my most positive and life-changing relationships. He has pushed me to forgive myself for the considerable mistakes of my past, and to embrace my rl relationships with hope and strength. We met over a year ago, traveled a very difficult and painful road, and have finally found a way to love each other as best friends in the real world and as partners in the virtual world.

A friend and I were waxing philosophically about SL partnering (and I've recently read a few very witty blog entries about it as well) and he said something that was dead-on. We all know the folks who seem to bounce from partner to partner, ala junior high school. We all know folks who are married to each other in RL and SL. We all know folks who are committed in SL but married to someone else in RL. What motivates people to partner in the first place? What keeps these relationships going? What are the inherent problems with them? Why do some work and some do not?

My friend said (and I am paraphrasing here...not too inaccurately, I hope) that the key to finding an SL partnership that will last is very straightforward...you need to view your time in SL in the same way, want the same thing out of it, and have the same philosophy about what SL means to you. Great advice, simple, but profound. In other words, just like in RL, you need to be on the same page, same goals, same priorities, same sense of what really matters.

I'm just getting started with this topic, btw. More to come..

peace :)